Preparing for healthy relationships during lent

Being in relationship is an essential non-negotiable aspect of human kind and yet it is something lost on our generation. It is not that people don’t want to be in relationship but many a time they are not prepared for it and don’t know how to go about it. Schools and colleges don’t want to risk a problem and will maintain status quo of having boys and girls separated. Churches are not far behind and more or less fulfill the role of being guardians of morality. Isn’t lent a perfect time to stop thinking of morality and start thinking of good relationships with one another? Hasn’t a skewed understanding of relationships lead to enough damage in society?

Lent should not be seen as status quo or toeing the usual line but as moving away from the usual. Most of the problems we face in society are relationship problems and one among them is the relationship between boys and girls and men and women. We do not allow normal and healthy interaction between boys and girls so that they know how to relate to one another when they sit next to each other in a bus, train, flight, class room or public space. All thoughts of what to say and do are many a time influenced by movies, serials and peer group talks on the other gender. The lent season should be able to give us an opportunity to learn how to relate and behave with people belonging to the other gender.

We have behavioural problems because right from childhood various institutions have prevented us from being normal people. To be normal means to be in relationship with one another. We are brought up based on relationships of power. We are wrongly told that girls should be subservient and boys should express their masculinity by lording over the girls and expressing their power.

St. Matthew 20:17-28 has Jesus talking about his impending suffering. The mother of the sons of Zebedee request Jesus to allow her sons to sit at his right and left. Jesus says that it is not in his hands. The other disciples get angry. This despite their being and travelling with Jesus and listening to his teaching and seeing him live. Their relationship with one another is so fragile that they get into a fight. This is when Jesus explains the basis of relationships. “Those who want to be master must be servant.” For the son of man has come to serve and not to be served.

We have become a society that wants to fix something after it has happened different from the way we want it. We thrive on a media created suspense which fizzles out as soon as the story loses its significance. Because of this we have hash tags and events but do not work on fundamental aspects of life.

Our society is fractured because of socio economic disparity, class and caste divide and religious problems between communities. The lent season is an opportunity to think, understand and come together. Let us use this Lenten season to develop healthy relationships with whoever we come across. Let us do away with the awkwardness of the other and stop sitting only near people we are comfortable with or from whom we benefit. Instead let this season of lent bring about understanding and not demonizing of the other. God has created men and women in God’s image and God saw it as good. Mutual co-existence should be the motto of lent rather than making it an exclusive, individualistic exercise of self-aggrandizement and self development. After all, we are here to serve and not to be served. Amen.    

Rape: Passing the Buck

The accused in the Delhi rape case have not got a lawyer to defend them yet. It was reported that when a lawyer came forward, others objected saying that it was not moral to defend the accused because of what they had done. The case will not be taken up unless someone comes forward to represent the accused.

As we discuss the morality of rape, it has struck me so hard that our society has become a mass of people who keep passing the buck. The blame always has to be on someone. On the one hand there are several people who are openly asking for a death penalty, others who are asking for close to inhuman steps to be taken on the accused, and on the other there are political leaders, spiritual gurus and others who have the audacity to question the girl who was raped and killed. They continue the assault by putting forward suggestions that women should dress modestly, not go out after dark and beg for forgiveness if anyone tries to violate their body.

In the entire discourse one cannot notice the absence of self examination, the acceptance of one’s own blame and the crimes committed by one self. Instead everyone is happy to put the blame on and pass the buck on to someone else. This can be seen in all fields and by all institutions.

The police force says that teachers should teach the students well and conscientize them on gender equality and respecting women. The teachers say that children learn their initial lessons from home and are influenced by their parents and therefore they should be a better example. The parents blame religious leaders saying that they are not teaching moral education and religions are themselves very sexist. The media joins the chorus and picks on politicians, the politicians pick on the film industry and all of them have now got together to blame the six accused. But take a look at each of them.

The police force makes simple things like filing a complaint, a woman walking into a police station, and providing protection to women, a very difficult proposition. Teachers and educational institutions are guilty of not encouraging equal conditions for girls and boys, being insensitive to the feelings of girls, keeping girls and boys away from each other and being over protective and indirectly pushing through presuppositions about each other which are not even true in the first place. Parents bring up girls and boys in a different way and still hang on to age old clichés about what they should do and how they should grow up. They also think that time with children can be made up by buying them gadgets and not engaging in any serious talk. Religious leaders and institutions are totally oblivious and blind to how girls and women are totally ignored and are only a part of the system and are no where close to being joint leaders and functionaries. Religious spaces are not open and safe for women as well. The media has over the years ignored several rapes and has not reported several cases were Dalit women were raped. In a country were rapes happen everyday, the media has not reported enough. Advertisements which form a majority of the revenue for media houses portray women in a poor light. Many advertisements show women as mere objects of desire and attraction. This does not give any parity or confidence to them. Politicians in turn pick on the media, the film industry and even Western culture saying that all of these are the culprit. Instead of relooking at laws, making people aware and serving the people well they also look to blame. The film industry is also quick to join the band wagon to blame politicians. But seldom is any introspection done on the kind of movies made. If Indian movies have only moved from renaming the cabre dance as item number, what does this speak of how women are characterized in movies in India? Which Indian movie actress is being marketed as a strong actor rather than a size zero or a curvy bodied voluptuous woman? Why are love scenes and bikini clad women shown when it has nothing to do with the script? Are women portrayed as smart, suave or just plain dumb?

If we want to blame the list is endless. The main thing is that each one of us is responsible in our own way for the plight of women in our country. But we are not willing to accept this. The buck does not stop here, rather the buck is passed on…and on.

Thinking aloud for the youth in Bangalore

It is difficult to suggest new things for the Jacobite church youth in Bangalore as there are varying needs. But it helps to start a thinking process aimed at the growth of the youth activities and its positive impact on society. In this light we can look at the following.

1. Programmes for the youth- understanding society and the people we live with, understanding other denominations and religions, having resource persons from different fields talking to the youth. Apart from these, church oriented classes on history, theology and liturgy can also be planned depending on the availability of resource persons.
2. Making sub groups- it will be beneficial to make sub groups within the youth group so that people staying in the same place can meet often. These groupings should not be based on gender but on geographical location.
3. Unofficial gatherings- the youth can gather together in common places and have short talks or discussions. This does not have to be in church because the church may be far for many. These unofficial gatherings could be getting together for tea/coffee, dinner and the like. Being in a youth group should not put pressure on members but should rather be an opportunity to mingle freely and open up when the need arises.
4. Data base for the youth- there should be a data base for the youth whereby names, addresses and other details can be collected. This should be kept by the office bearers and should not be misused in any manner.
5. Project identification- the youth should visualize a project which they can raise funds for and manage by themselves. For instance, it could be a hostel for women and men youth members who come from Kerala and would need accommodation. Or it could be providing paying guest facilities for the youth. This should be co-ordinated by the youth themselves. For this purpose any youth from Kerala or other places should be able to contact the youth here and ask for any help. This could be help regarding a job, a place to stay, marriage, and the like. The project thus can be big or small depending on how the youth would like to do it.
6. Website or blog- the youth group should have a web site or blog which is comprehensive and updated regularly. Programmes should be conducted at least once a month and this should be accounted for in the calendar. It should be explored whether online chatting facilities are also possible for youth members and how far social networking sites can be made use of.
7. Worship for the youth- the need for this can be discussed. The youth can either meet in different places and pray, or come together in church, or do both. The need for English qurbana will vary according to different churches and therefore individual churches should take those decisions.
8. Committees for regions- the youth committee of a particular church can also be the committee of the region for the diocese. They will then report in the diocesan level youth meeting on the work they are doing in their region.
9. More roles during qurbana- the women and men of the youth should be encouraged to take a more active role during qurbana and other services in church. This includes choir, bible readings, special songs, and skits. As far as possible, women should also be given roles just as men.
10. Helping Sunday school- the youth should also actively involve themselves in Sunday school as the younger crowd will be able to identify better with the youth. This will also give an opportunity to mingle with the younger crowd in church.
11. The youth group should be baby friendly- many youth members especially women are not able to attend meetings because they are taking care of their little ones. Some scheme should be devised wherein we make such families comfortable in attending such meetings.
12. Understanding each other- there may be cultural and other differences within the youth group and this should be dealt with by encouraging people to people contact and interaction. This will go a long way in ironing out differences and bringing about a deeper understanding of one another.
13. Debates and interaction- debates should be arranged on topics of interest. For instance the Jan Lokpal bill has evinced a lot of interest in people. Wouldn’t it be good if we were able to discuss it among the youth and try to understand the issue more deeply?
14. Overnight camps- as part of the mingling process it would help to have small youth camps where over night stays are also encouraged. These have been conducted in the past but we could get more experimental.

(This was presented for a church diocesan youth gathering in Bangalore in July 2011.)

Help, I'm old !!!

Kerala finds itself staring at more than 3 million people who are above the age of 60. Many have been thrown out (either physically or by being a nobody in their own house) of their homes and some live at the mercy of relatives or old age homes. Even that is a luxury and some end up on the streets with nothing.

But life wasn't always like this for them. There was a life of happiness and content. A life with a loving wife or husband and the fullfillment of bringing up one's children and caring for them. But what was the epicentre of their lives then shatters all expectations. Mother's and father's are taken care of and then conveniently disposed when the time comes. Some are put up in huge mansions constructed by the children who work in the middle east, the U.S. or Europe, and the parents also become a part of the furniture, to be showcased to the public. Without any community support the old are left to fend for themselves or live a life after surrendering every bit of their integrity.

Society itself makes the aged feel unwanted. Everything happens so fast and changes faster that the mother's and father's can't even cross a road or shop in peace. The railway's and banks give special incentives to those above 60 but how will these people reach a railway station or a bank? How is it possible to do anything when one feels they could be mauled down any minute by the traffic.

This is not the case in every house hold. There are children who go the extra mile to take care of their parents, sometimes even overdoing it a touch. There are those who age gracefully and die gracefully. But they are the exceptions. What about those who are pushed into solitude? What about those who feel the carpet has been pulled from under them? When will we assure and give dignity to the aged? These then are the questions before us.